Loneliness is a funny thing. At periods in my life being alone was something I really looked forward to doing. In the military privacy was at a premium so any time I could get away and have time to myself was cherished. During my separation and subsequent divorce, I was so lonely I felt invisible when I was out in the public. At times I would be at the grocery store or the gym and just felt that everyone was looking right through me. In my opinion, loneliness is one of the worst feelings we can experience as a human. We as humans are social animals so feelings of isolation have an impact on our overall well-being.

What are some of the destructive ways we cope with loneliness? It varies with each individual, but for me I chose drinking and not leaving the house. In my mind, I felt that I was lonely because the world hated me. It was some sort of payback for past transgressions. I was never the wake up and crack open a beer kind of alcoholic, I would start around 2 or 3 in the afternoon if I was off work or immediately after work on Friday. The first few beers were calming, but after beer six or seven the self loathing began. I replayed every perceived failure in my mind. After doing this weekend after weekend for a year, you can imagine that I hated myself. Outwardly, I was still confident and in control. Inside I was dead. At one point, I was in my downstairs bathroom with a fist full of Effexor, looking in the mirror with tears. I was going to end it. Suddenly, as if on cue, my dog strolls into the bathroom, bumps my leg, and looks up at me. I remember thinking, of course the one thing on earth that will never let you down, a dog, saved me. Dogs continue to be undefeated. Before I turn this into a why humans do not deserve dogs post, I’ll move on.

In the veteran community suicide is a significant issue. I am sure that you have heard that it is estimated 22 veterans successfully kill themselves every day. If you are male and a veteran you are also more likely than a female veteran. According to multiple sources, there is no definitive reason why veterans choose suicide. Maybe medical doctors and researchers aren’t asking the right questions. I can’t speak for every veteran or every man, but suicide is a choice. I saw it as a solution to a problem. In the military you learn that it is imperative to complete the objective. Failure is not an option. Mission above everything. Applying that thought process you can understand a veteran that is feeling the depths of loneliness and despair wants the unpleasantness to go away. They tried other solutions like the gym and drinking and they did not work. What other solutions remain? There is the nuclear option, suicide.

It is my belief that early in an individuals military career there should be some type of discussion about suicide. I don’t mean some mandatory slide deck to check a box, I mean sitting down with a mental health professional and discuss suicide. Veterans need to learn the coping skills to prevent suicide. In order to reduce veteran suicide we also need to directly ask our veteran about experiencing suicide ideation. We as a society have become too fearful of asking tough questions. Don’t be. If you feel that a veteran friend or loved one is off or depressed, ask them if they are contemplating suicide. Veterans are used to answering direct and tough questions so go ahead and do it. It is always better to ask than to have regrets afterwards. Remember that.

It is my hope that at least one person reads this post and helps a veteran in their life.

Don’ ever give up.