Have you ever thought about how the holidays are different once you are over 40? As a child I could not wait for Thanksgiving because I knew that Christmas was a few weeks away. Of course as a very impatient and high strung adolescent, a few weeks felt like forever. That’s a whole other story though.

Now that I am over 40 and looking at turning 50(!) in the not so distant future, I think about my past Christmas experiences and to be honest, it makes me sad. It dawned on me that I have been away from home more than I have been home for the holidays. If I was home, I often spent it alone. I always chose everyone over me. When I was married, I spent 80% of holidays with my in laws. Why? Because I thought it would make my spouse happy. When we did go to my hometown for Christmas, I was made to feel that my spouse was making a sacrifice, so in the end, I just stopped asking. On other occasions I decided to work over the holidays so others could spend time with their family.

Why am I spewing out this trauma dump? Because I want you to know that you can be happy by choosing you. Happiness does not come from external sources such as a spouse or a new car. We have to choose to be happy and often that means choosing ourselves. No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. (Sorry mom, but you are a close second!) It took me to nearly 50 years old to realize that I am the most important person in my life.

As the holidays approach, remember that you can say no to that holiday party or you can choose to avoid that toxic relative. Choose what has intrinsic value to you. You do not have to participate in anything that will drain you emotionally. That is what I am doing this year and every year going forward. I am all the better for it.

Don’t ever give up.