So here I am on a Monday. I made it to the gym and had a great workout, but I went to a later crossfit class. Working out keeps me in what I call balance, others would probably say it helps my sanity. You can be the judge after reading this post.

I often think about my life and the many choices I have made to get to where I am today. How long was I basing my decisions through the lens of anxiety and depression? I am sure I missed a ton of chances because my shadow was whispering something negative in my ear.

Do you ever think about some major decision from your past, and wonder how life would be different if you chose differently? I think that is one of the greatest (sarcasm) symptoms of depression, I constantly think about the shoulda, coulda, and woulda. What would have happened if I joined the Marines instead of the Navy? The Army was totally out of the question. Mr. Townsend’s son was going to break the cycle of Townsend’s joining the Army, but that’s a story for another time. What happens if I chose different undergrad or grad degrees? I seemed to pick the safe option. The when that pleased others.

When my shadow is trying to influence me, they always ask about decisions I made about this or that major life event. Should I have married my ex? Many times it forces me to think about living for years as what is called a functional alcoholic. Of course the shadow loves alcohol. You can say the shadow is the little alcoholic inside me. There was never enough beer in the house or hours of the weekend to make my shadow happy. Shadow always wanted more beer. Was it raining outside? let’s drink. Was is it a beautiful day? Let’s drink. Bad day? Let’s drink. My shadow convinced me that’s how “real men” cope. Luckily for the world, I learned at a young age that hard liquor turned yours truly into the incredible hulk so I was at least able to convince the shadow to stick to beer. I know, it’s the small miracles that make the world a better place, but I digress.

Only recently, as in the past year, did I realize that alcohol was just another way my shadow was trying to kill me. Apparently, after realizing it was going to be harder to convince me to stick a gun barrel in my mouth, my shadow decided to play the long game and convinced me that I needed to drink more. What was purely a weekend thing for years, turned into a four or five night a week event. You can imagine how that went. It is safe to say that alcoholism was a contributing factor to the end of my marriage. For some that is breaking news. For others, probably not.

Why have I decided to write about drinking today, Monday of all days? Because over the weekend I spent a longtime reflecting on my life and future. I know it is cliché, but we really do I have this one life and we need to make the most of it. Over the weekend I asked myself if I was really living my life to it’s fullest, to what Abraham Maslow would call full actualization. I came to the realization that I was not. It scared me. It made me think about what changes I needed to incorporate into my life. The first is changing my inner dialogue. I will change cannot, do not, and why, with will, do, and yes. I found the irony in the fact that many times I said no to something, it was my shadow trying to prevent me from my potential. My life will be better for it.

Do not ever quit,

Patrick