Fall is definitely my favorite season. I was born in the fall. It’s when the crushing humidity of the east coast summer finally disappears and I can go outside without having to take shower as soon as I get home. For some people, fall is about getting ready for winter. Bringing out the cozy sweaters and finishing those outdoor projects before the snow.

The past few years for me the fall has represented new beginnings. It just so happens that two years in a row I started a new job in the fall. More than just starting over career wise, fall has made me look back at the year and examine what I accomplished. I am not going to sugar coat it, but I have major depressive disorder so for at least the past three years my major accomplishment was not killing myself. For people that really know me that is probably a surprise. Most people know me as the life of the party, Mr. Gregarious, always available. For most of my adult life I have what I call the shadow on my shoulder. If you have ever had depression you know this shadow is annoying, but more importantly, the shadow tries to convince you that life is not worth living. It is so not cool. My favorite is when I would sit either alone or with a partner and I was absolutely silent on the outside, but inside, whoa, total UFC fight. It was me versus the shadow. I would be watching the Yankees with tears in my eyes (Lately the yanks have been awful, but that’s a whole other emotional roller coaster). A number of times the shadow had me convinced that the world was better off without me.

When I learned about the death of Robin Williams it really hit me. Here is a guy that on the exterior is absolutely hilarious. He was in two of my favorite movies, Good Morning Vietnam and Good Will Hunting. I am in no way an accomplished movie critic, but if you have not seen them I encourage you to do so. Where was I? Robin Williams, outwardly funny, happy, smiling. His suicide, totally made sense to me. Why? Because I see myself the same way. Happy exterior, absolute emotional typhoon on the inside. I miss Robin Williams. And Anthony Bourdain. Suicide is not the answer, it’s a question, and the answer should always be no.

The one bright spot about depression if you are a natural overachiever is that it makes you do more, go farther, and hang on just a little bit longer because the shadow will always tell you that you are not good enough. That was my motivation in the military, undergrad, and grad school. I would trade having a different form of intrinsic motivation in a heart beat.

With all this being said, I encourage anyone reading this to speak with a trusted friend or loved one if you do have the shadow on your shoulder. I can guarantee you know more people with depression than you realize. I also want to say that if you do have a friend or acquaintance that you think needs help, don’t wait for someone else to help or think that it will go away. If you don’t have anyone to talk to about your feelings, reach out to me. I’ll listen. Many times a friend checking in and talking to me was enough to win that days battle against the shadow. I will always be thankful for them.

In closing, if you are experiencing depression remember this- you are never as lonely or worthless as your shadow tells you. The shadow lies and gives terrible advice. As a very wise person in my life once told me, “Don’t take financial advice from broke people”.

It has made all the difference.

Do not ever quit,

Patrick